I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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