you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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