My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
