dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
