How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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