you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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