Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
