Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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