I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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