i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
