Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
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