you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
