Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
