he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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