Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
