I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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