Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
