Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
