I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
