Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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