Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
