It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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