I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
