Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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