Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
