I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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