He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
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Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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