I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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