i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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