By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
