I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
