he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
