Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
