awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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