I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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