Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
