Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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