Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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