We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
