If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
