If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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