Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence