Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
