ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
