I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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