I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
