Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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