I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
