Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
