she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
