Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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