At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
