Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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