Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
