Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
