$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Quick, to the slutcave!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
