Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
