And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
