Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
